It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
