Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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