You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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