I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
