I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you win again, gameday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
