If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
