You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize