i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
