My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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