It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
