Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
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