I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize