There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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