wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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