you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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