In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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