Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
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