sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize