Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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