is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
