I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
