My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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