my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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