1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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