Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
