A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
