so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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