I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
