The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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