Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
