I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
