shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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