i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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