Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
