I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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