Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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