I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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