Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
