hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
