i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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