I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
