I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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