The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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