Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
