I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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