i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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