but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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