i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
