I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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