Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
