Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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