Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
