I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
