could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
