Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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