theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
