I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
