the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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