tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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