Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
