It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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