it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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