i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
