Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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