do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
